When was the last time you walked in a fashion alley and instead of bright lights from imagined paparazzi and their ridiculously armored digital cameras, you saw an orchestra of flowers and birds twittering all around?

When was the last time you strolled along the entrance of a place and was adored by salivating, fervent 15 year olds in football jerseys?

When was the last time you felt most beautiful in the most beautiful dress worn for the most beautiful person you held hands with?

When was the last time you talked over nothing and everything, made sense and made sense of things, talked through time and back at the beginning of an ending?

When was the last time you cared about the hair growing on your fingers? To let them experience what you experience when you hold someone’s cheeks from the most prized pose?

When was the last time the last question led you to a passionate kiss that started your life and ended your fantasies of

Roses blooming even in the rain when you went out to dance with them

15 year olds giving chocolates to the other 15 year olds in Sunday dresses who watched them play every Sunday in the park

That dress of purple and summer is adorned by his hands, trying to get a touch of what magnificence lies underneath

Only witness is coffee and the forgetfulness of the world

Those eyes you hold are the most… You are just lost for words in those eyes

The moment your lips parted, for the first time in a long, long time sent your spirit soaring and your heart embraced with love, the kind that leaves you wanting forever

KGP

8:27 PM, April 7, 2008

so that you may find yourself again. hopefully.

there are no calming words this time.

there is no escaping life this time.

your shattered world may be impossible to get out of

your unsaid goodbyes may be too painful to keep hearing in your restless sleep

your heart may be broken into a thousand tears

but i am here.

and i will not leave your side.

until you find yourself whole again.

you will be yourself again.

in time.

all in God's good time.

how would you like to be remembered?

because lies are better than promises. because sleeping is worse than studying. because love is overrated. because sex is underrated. because walking in the rain is better than walking alone. because the world is a square peg and your hand is a round hole. because cigarettes are better than soiling yourself from waiting forever in that line. because stolen kisses are better than real ones. because paid sex is better than sexing your bestfriend's husband. because smiling at tomorrow is better than crying for the dead. because traffic lights past midnight are futile. because bracelets remind you of fun as necklaces remind you of a cage. because the ocean is the safest place on earth. because asking too many questions can make you numb and indifferent. because becauses are stronger than pauses and break-ups. because you can be wired in so many ways that you forget who you truly are.

tonight was spent with drinks with friends. friends who talked me through our sad stories. how does it feel that i'm getting drunk for you? i talked to single men who only talked to me for the fun i brought them. one talked to me about relationships. that's when i thought about you. actually, i thought about you the whole night. that if you were there while i went drunk and dancing, your left would've been holding my drink and the right holding my hand. making sure i won't slip and hold another's. that was how you cared. you kept me for yourself and i enjoyed it. the security--the feeling that no one can take me away from you. i liked that. i liked that so much. so much that i miss it everytime i take a sip from my favorite drink. and my coming drunken days won't be as safe

as embraced

as loved

as how i was with you.

the taste of alcohol has never been more bitter since you've gone. and the memories it spared don't hold that much importance anymore as to how i cherished them with your taste. now i smoke a pack a day. for alcohol reminds me of you. i still drink though, during special times, just to feel once more how selfless i felt with my hand wrapped in yours.

i woke up to the smell of the old scent of the afternoon. the temperature was as humid as it can get. the arrangement of things in my room was as familiar as yesterday and there were none of the usual delusions in my head. im normal today i told myself.

i planted my feet on the ground soon after the warm dry breeze nodded me off my pillow. if only nothing would change i whispered to it. nothing, yes nothing would change, i couldve just upped and left but... I just couldn't so I decided to give into my bed again to linger on it for a few more minutes before i plunge into concrete. a little after savoring the embrace of my sheets, i woke up from the dream with my feet steady tracing the ground i worship--the dream was plain and real but what my sight opened up to were unwelcoming lights from the eyes of everyday people. there is nothing normal about today i told myself and again i dived into my bed wishful thinking i could relive the dream.

2:40 AM

Yes. 2:40 in the friggin morning.

I'm online bec I had planned on checking Jade's bday album but then suddenly, the phone rang... It was Shelley, Khai and Potie calling all the f-ing way from f-ing Galera! They called at an ungodly hour to piss my gorgeous ass off. Yea, to think that they're my closest friends ever. Those retards. They were like "ah kring ang tanong NASAAN KA NGAYON?! Kasi kami nasa Galera eh! Lasing na nga si Nikki eh! Hahaha! (shouts and hootcalls) haha LOSER naka-online hahaha! We told you we'd be here!" wala man lang "wish you were here!" or any gesture that implied sympathy on the hapless one on the other end. ARGH! If I didn't love them that much I'd go there myself and strangle them one by one until their lungs pop right out of their swimsuits. Grr.

Yes, I am hulk greeeeen in envy right now.

Yes, I'm entertaining the idea of going to their houses and play the insane arsonist.

To think I had great fun tonight! Me and Nana went on a qt and watched Pan's Labyrinth (MUST SEE), went to One Love Reggae Bar along Sucat road to enjoy south reggae esp Lumbayao music (Rabby rocked that stage with his sleepy reddish eyes... Look at me and tell me you didn't do it! Haha) and then this?! WTF! Those bitches. Haha. I still love them to pieces despite the drunk and call trips though =)

ENJOY you tards! Loveslovesloves!

"I'm not sleeping with anybody anymore. That's because I don't want to forget the last time you touched. It meant a lot more to me than you might think. I think about it all the time."

The reason for posting this is I just don't have much to say. First blogs are a lot of pressure. Haha. I'm not going to make up some story about how my puppy was ran over by a bike or something of that nature. Instead, must thank Mab Pakner for introducing to me Murakami. She was like "I can't believe you don't know Murakami!" Haha. Thanks hun! Thanks for laughing at my stupid ass!

I've been sleeping later than usual. I take Propan with Iron though. Miga's "prescription" haha. What's with all the haha's and hoohoo's?! Well it's already 3:42 AM, Pinoy time, and my eyes aren't getting heavy just yet. Miga: "you take Propan early so you fall asleep agad, not take it right before you lie on your bed!" hahaha.

I'm just getting photos from Jade's. I'm gonna shut them after a little bitsy while. I just remembered how excited I am about the Kaskade party but I haven't turned into miss party girl. That's Jesex! sHE doesn't know what Skankin is. So cute. April fools Jesex joke: "it's a BOY!" Nana celebrated her birthday last Mar 31 and Jess Apr 2. I came late (as usual) at Nana's surprise at the Ateneo Caf. Tumakbo pako nun from the parking ha. Sorry Jesex I wasn't able to come to your birthday salubong. Ninang naman kita sa Kaskade eh =)

Exagge na ang spamming comments on myspace. Buti nalang someone taught me how to secure my page. I forgot who it was but thanks anyway. Okay. To do something about the boredom, read:

So many words. When does it end? When does it start? It could happen you know. When word translates into touch. Indeed, it could happen. I'm a lost for touch. For feelings that invoke extraordinary. I want that. I fcking want that. And I can't take my love off it with a smile and a shrug. I want to feel everything that comes out of your mouth. But I can never tell you that. All would've been a lie if I did. Every word would only mean for you. So where do I settle my extraordinary need? I want to be felt but you can only give me so much. And it's still all words. This is all words. The flair that is from your heart doesn't excite me anymore.

Entertained? Well, there's more where that came from. If I muster the strength to post my compositions here, you'll realize that I'm not as tough as how people see me. Dramarama haha.

This entry is getting pret-ty boooring. Haha. Won't say no more. So much for my first blog. Haha. Good morning friends! Remember, it is always better to wake up.